If you asked me what was the most painful kind of love, which I believe most of you would answer unrequited love, but no. In that kind of love at least you would find consolation knowing that he would never love you back, because it’s totally hopeless you wouldn’t find yourself trapped in some kind of water spiral sucking you all in, tearing you apart. And eventually you’d survive, ready to get going with brand new affairs waiting for you.
The most painful thing, in the name of love, is being stuck with a love-hate affair. You hate him enough to leave him, yet you cannot pull yourself together just because you also love him so much.
I’ve been dating with this guy. Well, I have ONLY dated him so as far as my entire life, for almost 6 years, our anniversary is on December 2006. It was since I was a high school kid. He’s 3 years older and since then we’ve been sticking with each other all along. I knew only him, the only and unique, him. He was like, the world to me, because you were so in love and because you were so blind, and because he was you first love so you cherished him as it was forever. Yes, I was so madly in love, all I ever knew was him.
But he didn’t think that way about me.
He’s got this mean streak, this sick need of giving love, and searching and cannot stand being bond. I have lost count of his flings years ago, yet the number kept growing. It’s not that bad like he’s been hooking up with other boys or something like that. I never knew. I tried but I could never understand why did he need to do that. But he did, flirting with endless boys, handsome yes, sending me to the basement of Hell because I was not gorgeous, not pretty, not slim… And he never stopped, though I forgave him each time but still he kept relapsing. I hate him so much, so much for that that only one thought of him saying lovey dovey stuffs with those lads made me wanna throw up.
Yet still, I have this stupid hamartia in which I love him so much that only a thought of leaving him sound like a foresight of the collapse of my world. I love him so much that without him the world wouldn’t be the same. Because beside of that mean streak he is at whole a very good man, he’s funny, he’s very caring and always know what to say to chill me down. And most important of all, the way I feel whenever he touches me, I could never feel that way with anybody else. That’s why I always fall back to him, to his dark twisted chest game that he’s the rules maker and I’m always the one that falls.
Why was it so hard to be in love with just me? Why does he even need to find other boys even when I’m willing to accept all of his flaws, his EVERYTHING in exchange for simply his loyal and faithful heart? Why was it so hard to love just me when I loved him that much?…
I have so much questions to ask but deep in my soul I know that he’d not even know the answers. It’s just because that’s what we are. Because I’m desperate and devoted and stupid and blind. And because he’s care-free, womanizer and cannot stand any commitment.
I’m just too tired to be able to do anything, anything at all.
I wish I could unlove the one I love. I wish I could stop feeling this much except disgust towards him. I wish I could take that all back, my love, my time, my kisses, my faith.
How to unlove the one I love?
When loving suddenly became a vast of pains.
the peace keeper ~ 