Superman

So if you’re considering anything about being unable to return my feelings, cut it off.

From the very first day when I sent you that message or several times later when we exchanged the convo and you gave me those hints, I’ve never offered any kind of commitment. As if there was any, it would be the kind that I’d keep for myself only, an engagement that I signed with myself, to be devoted to you without asking for anything in return.

That’s not desperate, I’d prefer to call that adjusting your expectation base on probability to avoid unwanted disappointments.

Why are you so aware of that? What would it harm you from spending a portion of your lifetime with me? I keep asking myself those questions and it only hurt me badly when the answers obviously hit me out of the blue.

If I was you, I’d not waste my time with someone uninterested either. So it’s understandable. Because we people are all so scared of falling and getting ourselves hurt over again, that’s why it’s always so hard to give somebody a chance, or even to give ourselves a chance to jump into love again.

I’m not sure if this is because of me or is it because of you. Yet I can’t help feeling if I was a little bit prettier, or more attractive, it might be different. Maybe you’d be interested, then you’d hang out with me, we’d be friends first and lovers later (or that was just wishful thinking).

Or I could even stay this ugly, just if you ever over come my appearance and just be friend with me, I’d cook for you, froster you when you’re so sick and tired of the world outside, listen to your stories without saying anything hypocritical. And I’d try my best not to let you down, because I’m not those gorgeous boys who even dared to walk in and out of your life, tearing you apart; I’m no elegant boy to dare to hurt you the way I’ve always been hurt, isn’t it obvious?

Then why you’re giving me no chance? I just want to stay close, to know you, to be there in your life, to be somebody you can trust and that’s just that. Who am I to be such bold, asking for more?

I’ll just be like a stupid boy who dares to devote his heart to Superman, staying on the ground waiting for you to pass by, well, for a minute or two, and there you go again, busy with the safety of humanity, and I’ll be right here waiting on the ground when you come back down.

However, all that I know is that all those stuff are just too good to be true.

Maybe hopefully in another reality, where we made different choices that diverted our lives unlike this dimension, perhaps there’d be a twist in probability, or people would prefer calling fate, that you and I would be together.

Read Full Post »

Ngày đẹp và nói tào lao

Hôm nay trời đẹp. Sáu giờ sáng là nắng đã lên rồi, và mình dậy sớm.

Hôm qua căng thẳng bài thuyết trình quá nên lúc tối lên thư viện định học nhưng cũng có học được đâu. Cỡ chừng mười giờ rưỡi là mắt mở hết nổi, lết về nhà, quăng balô vào góc, hư mẹ cái phẹc mơ tuya, lột đồ ra và quăng người lên giường ngáy ro ro.

Hôm qua thầy Ross mới ra đề final. Hai bài luận về vấn đề xã hội. Thầy ơi em khổ tâm lắm thầy biết không! Thầy tính tình dễ thương, dạy hay nhưng cho bài về nặng quá, em chỉ biết khóc!

Lẽ ra mình nên ngồi soạn bài để ôn thi cuối kỳ đây nhưng ở trên đời thiệt có lắm thứ khiến tâm hồn người ta xao động, khuấy đảo sự tập trung cao độ cần kíp mà khi bình sinh mình cũng hiếm khi có được. Mình nghi mình bị ADHD rồi.

Mình đã gửi tin nhắn cho người ta. Kệ rồi, giờ ra sao thì ra, thất tình thì trời vẫn xanh, gió vẫn thổi, nắng vẫn ấm vàng và cây cỏ vẫn đung đưa, không cớ gì mình phải khổ tâm vì bạn. Bạn không thích mình nhưng bạn đâu có quyền cấm mình thích bạn. Quyền tự do yêu thương mà. Tất nhiên nếu yêu thương được đáp trả thì tốt, nhưng nếu không được rồi thì có ép uổng thì cũng chỉ khổ sở. Được ở gần bạn là vui rồi, lâu lâu gặp nhau, hang out và tip talk, ngẫu nhiên gọi bạn bằng tên mình nói nói cười cười về người tình giả tưởng mình tự tào lao ra.

Mình biết, những người như bạn, sẽ không đi thích những kẻ như mình, như thế trái ngược với quy luật của tự nhiên. Nhưng dù gió có thổi, trời có ngẫu nhiên khóc mưa rối rít, mình cũng không nản lòng.

Và một chuyện nữa là từ hồi qua đây tới giờ mình vẫn chưa biết cái rạp chiếu phim nó tròn méo ra làm sao. Ngay cả ở dưới quê rồi mà mình còn quê hơn cả mấy người ở đây nữa. Bạn kia ơi, nếu có vô tình gặp, mình sẽ rủ bạn đi coi phim đó. Chuẩn bị đi!

Read Full Post »

Almost Lover

“I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind”

I can picture the swaying palm trees and the wet shore with endearing waves where Oliver usually came and sit there doing nothing for hours, driving Elio to the realm of angsts, worries, jealousy, and wrath; when he got all freak out, desperately looking for any sign of his love interest’s living; then all that broke in to silence that Elio used hold back all the feelings in his lungs.

And I see them tangled together in the room poured all over by the silver dimmed light of the moon, kissing, caressing, making love; being lost in each other soul that barely recognized which one was whose anymore.

And the nights in Rome with the starry sky, liquors and the fountain of love, the sparkles in the water beams, the drunk men who sang that tragic song and the sound of his guitar echoed in the silence of the old structured town. And that dark small alley where they lost themselves in the passionate kiss, the couple who saw and understood what they had was what love is.

And on the pavement Elio stood, that day when he tried to linger on the memories of the three-month life they’d had, drinking on the madness of love and the precious soul they shared together, unaware of the flow of days and time. Still what will be will be, and the regretful look on Oliver I saw, given to the soulmate of his life before he get in to that yellow cab, luggages in the trunk, drove away from the piece of life that he wouldn’t ever be able to relive.

For all the things that they wish they could’ve had; for a brief moment, they could even hold them in their hands, feel them in the kisses, or the blurred line where one’s body ended and the other’s started; they still won’t ever be able to have.

Read Full Post »

15

Tỉnh dậy sau một giấc ngủ trái giờ với người ta, tâm trí cũng chẳng bớt rối bời hơn bao nhiêu.

Có lẽ chỉ tình cờ bạn xuất hiện trong lúc thôi đang đói khát yêu thương. Giống như một lữ khách không may lạc chân trong sa mạc, da đang bốc cháy còn cơ thể thì đang cạn dần sức sống, bạn xuất hiện như một ốc đảo xinh đẹp, dịu dàng và mát mẻ, và quá tuyệt vời để có thể trở thành sự thật.

Tôi đã vô tình xao xuyến những nét đẹp ấy. Xin hãy tin tôi, đó chỉ là vô tình thôi, rằng tôi đã lỡ sa tim mình vào bạn. Có ai muốn đâm đầu vào thứ tình yêu mà biết phần lớn cơ hội rằng nó sẽ kết thúc với trái tim tôi tan nát đâu.

Thật ra thì rõ ràng, tôi đã bị từ chối, không phải thẳng thừng, chỉ là gián tiếp. Nhưng dù có như vậy đi chăng nữa, tôi cũng sẽ không bỏ cuộc. Tôi cần ánh mắt ấy và nụ cười ấy, tôi cần bạn trong cuộc đời tôi, tôi muốn bạn trong trái tim tôi, và tôi sẽ rụng rời, yếu đuối và tan chảy.

Tôi không cần biết sẽ có bao nhiêu người nhìn tôi và gắn lên tôi những tên gọi. Tôi không quan tâm, trong tâm trí tôi hiện giờ chỉ có bạn. Tôi nghĩ về bạn những lúc đầu mình không bị choáng ngợp bởi bộn bề những lo toan. Và thậm chí ngay khi tôi đang tất bật với bao nhiêu là việc, bạn vẫn quanh quẩn trong đó, trái ngược với ý muốn của tôi.

Tôi biết rằng có lẽ tôi hơi điên, chỉ mấy ngày thôi đã mê mẩn đến vậy, lớn rồi mà vẫn còn dại dột đến thế. Nhưng tôi không giúp được bản thân mình. Trái tim tôi đang nổi loạn, phát điên lên vì bạn, bởi nụ cười hết cỡ và ánh mắt ngọt ngào.

Tôi sẽ tìm bạn và nói ra tất cả. Dù không có được tình yêu này tôi cũng sẽ nói. Tôi đã quá uổng phí thời giờ, tôi đã không sống như mình muốn được sống. Tôi sẽ không bỏ lỡ nữa, tôi sẽ không dại dột giấu hết yêu thương và câm nín nữa.

Vì tôi cần yêu, bạn cũng cần yêu.

Vì chúng ta chẳng có đủ thời gian để sợ sệt.

Vì sống, là không chờ đợi!

Read Full Post »

Unnamed.

He looked at my body for a brief moment, then, finally, he gave in. He pushed me down on my bed, my back against the wall. I closed my eyes when he started to go down on me, taking me all in, I felt the humidity inside of his mouth, gently kissing, swallowing my arousement. Then he looked up, the emptiness in his eyes was gone, now filled with an endearing look which derived from pure whorship. He pulled away and move up, kissing my stomach, then my chest, then my neck and the ball of my left ear. No other girl ever did this to me, every single spot his lips touched my skin was burning like he ‘d just left there a piece of embers.

“Feel me.”

His breath shattered on my ear, rousing a peculiar excitement in my stomach. I gave out a rough moan and opened my eyes, seeing him already got his clothing undone, then he slowly went down, taking me in, all of me, I could feel the heat, the softness of him squeezing me up, yet letting me in, accepting me. I studied his slender body, tanned, rough skin, suddenly my mind filled up with lunatic things I could do with his body. I could squeeze him up, hard enough to break him apart, tearing my way through him, shatter him in to pieces like breaking a doll made of glass. Another spasm came from below, he cried out an erotic yet quiet moan, and I couldn’t take it nomore.

I pushed him down, held up his leg with one of my hands, the other hand rested on his chest. I didn’t remember how hard or how many time did I thrust; my mind was flooded with ecstacy and insanity that couldn’t even work the primary function of counting.

The only thing I could ever recall was I gave him all I had, and all that time he was laying there, looking up at me with his wet brown eyes. I’d never felt so much admiration, such devotion yet desperation at the same time. He hold me with both his hands, didn’t even bother touching himself, restlessly repeating my name, choking on his own sobs, calling me quietly and gently like a distant voice, as if he was scared of waking me up from this craziness…

I exploded inside of him, right after he came all over himself, exhausted, shivering, like I’ve just lost a couple years of my lifetime. I collapsed on him, trembling, had I never felt this many feelings before, just as a emotional tsunami crashed down on my soul, I’m broken; then I started choking on my own tears.

He ran his hand through my hair, gently petting, caressing me, taking all my weight on his small frame, whispering.

“Shh…it’s okay. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry.”

For an instant, I realized that he was also crying, tears streaming down his saddened face, filling my heart with guilts.

We cleaned up and got dressed in silence. My mind ran through all the things we’d just done, trying to figure out some clues or anything to say, yet nothing came up, except the overwhelming fear of what I’d just become.

When I walked him to the door, he turned around, attempted to give me a kiss. By instinct, I moved away. He paused for a brief moment, then gave me a hug instead. I was stunned, thus standing there, not hugging him back.

“I’m sorry.”

I said, still not moving, not knowing nothing else to say, or how to react. Then he just simply shook his head, shaking from his hopeless efforts to hold down his sobs.

“Don’t be.” His voice was breaking, he rubbed his face into my neck, taking a very, very deep breath, then pulled away from me, exhaled, finally took control of all the emotions. “I should be the one who apologize.”

He stepped out the threshold, saying with a distant voice, again.

“Goodbye Jeremy.”

“Goodbye.”

And I stood there watching him walking in to the dark, chilling night.

Read Full Post »